Corporate sponsorships are everywhere these days. Sporting events are played at places named O.Co Coliseum and Sleep Train Arena, highways are adopted by strip clubs, and school lunches are enjoyed in eateries like the Wheatland Federal Credit Union Cafeteria. Some uppity cynics call such partnerships “selling out” on the part of the sponsees, but here at BPL, we recognize them for the smart, lucrative, not-at-all-ridiculous business opportunities they are. So, when the Colonel came a-callin’, we accepted his greasy embrace with open arms.
I’m proud to announce Kentucky Fried Chicken as the official sponsor of Benbrook Public Library. This new alliance promises to bring some exciting, delicious changes for our patrons, namely:
-Our collection will receive what we’re calling a “Kentucky fried makeover.” Books that are lacking in chicken centricity or that perpetuate lies about the mythical dangers of high cholesterol diets or the virtues of vegetables will be weeded out to make room for cookbooks of scrumptious chicken recipes and an infusion of a delightful emerging genre known as “Poultry Fiction.”
-A deep fryer and pressure cooker will be added to our MakerSpace to help cultivate the talents of those who’d like to follow in the Colonel’s culinary footsteps.
-In addition to their usual smiles, all staff members will serve you wearing dapper white cotton suits.
-Participants in our “Books ‘n’ Birds” reading program will earn a coupon for a free drumstick for every 10 books read.
A ceremony featuring a speech by our director entitled “KFC and BPL: An Original Recipe for Prosperity” and the unveiling of a roadside sign adorned with our new KFCified logo will be held never, because of course, none of this is true. Happy April Fools’ Day, y’all. This is a goofy reminder to be super skeptical (even more so than usual) of anything suspicious you read on the Internet today.